Into the Woods: What if
by Rubidia
Summary: A series of dialogue sequences between Into the Woods characters. What would happen if Rapunzel began to question her mother's parenting skills, the prince boasted to the Baker how he had seduced his wife, Cinderella ran into the wolf? Find out here!
1. Mother

What if...Rapunzel begins to question her mother's parenting skills...

(**Rapunzel** begins to cry)

**Witch**: Oh, my dear child, whatever is wrong?!!

**Rapunzel**: Well, it's just that, you locked me up in here, and I don't know why!

**Witch**: Oh, Rapunzel, you know I only do this to protect you. I love you, more than anything!

**Rapunzel**: If you love me, why did you imprison me in a tower? That doesn't seem very loving to me.

**Witch**: My dear Rapunzel, you will understand when you are a mother yourself.

**Rapunzel**: I won't ever be a mother if you keep me in a stupid tower my entire life!

**Witch**: Oh…yes…well, my neighbors have plenty of children, I'll just take one of theirs for you! I'm sure they wouldn't mind, they have so many. Besides, if they ever want an invitation to another one of my neighborhood garden parties, they'll just have to cooperate.

**Rapunzel**: But, you would break their hearts! I'm sure they love all their children, and don't want to give any of them to me! Besides, I don't know how to be a mother!

**Witch**: Oh, don't worry about that! I'll show you what to do, I'm an excellent mother!

**Rapunzel**: ….

**Witch**: ….wouldn't you agree, dear?

**Rapunzel**: Well, you _did_ lock me in a tower.

**Witch**: …that's true…Well, sweetie….how does a puppy sound?


	2. Manners

What if…Cinderella met the wolf…

(**Cinderella** is walking through the woods. The **wolf **is following her from behind some trees. The **wolf** jumps out at her with a mighty roar.)

**Wolf**: Roar!

**Cinderella**: Oh, dear! A large, man eating beast!

**Wolf**: That's right, young lady. I'll give you three seconds to run away, before I swallow you whole!

(**Cinderella **whacks him on the nose with a large stick she had found on the ground.)

**Wolf**: OW! Why did you just whack me with that stick?!

**Cinderella**: Because you were going to eat me, and that's rather rude. You wild animals need to be taught some manners!

**Wolf**: Ha! Me? Learn manners? I scoff at this idea. I am a strong, clever, rather muscular, I might add, rampaging wolf! Wolves do not drink tea and wear fancy bonnets! We kill, and ravage, and ravage, and kill, and eat, and occasionally sleep so we don't get shadows around our eyes, because a raccoon isn't very intimidating. So, I'll give you one last chance to GET OUT OF MY WAY! Or I shall eat you. Is that perfectly clear?

**(Cinderella **whacks him again.)

**Cinderella**: Bad wolf! Bad! Now, sit down!

(The **wolf **grudgingly sits.)

**Cinderella**: Good. Now, repeat after me.

**Wolf**: Repeat after me.

(**Cinderella **whacks him again. The **wolf** whimpers.)

**Cinderella**: Good day, sir.

**Wolf**: Good day, sir.

**Cinderella**: Very good. That is how you properly greet a gentleman. Now say: Good day, young lady.

**Wolf**: Good day, young lady.

**Cinderella**: Yes. That is how you greet any ladies under the age of eighteen. And you greet the elder ones as Ma'am, Madam, Madame (if they're French), Miss, or Mrs.

**Wolf**: How on earth am I supposed to know which one to use?!

**Cinderella**: I usually just guess. But, try to just wait until you're introduced to a lady, they'll usually include one of those titles in front of their name.

**Wolf**: Oy.

**Cinderella**: Uh-uh-uh! No, proper gentlemen say, Oh dear.

(The **Wolf **grumbles.)

**Wolf**: Fine. _Oh dear_. Happy now?

**Cinderella**: Yes.

(**Little Red Riding Hood **is seen skipping down the path towards them.)

**Cinderella**: Here's your chance to practice! A young lady approaches! Good luck!

(**Cinderella **runs off through the trees.)


	3. Deleted Scenes

What if…The director had to edit out a bit of the script in Maybe They're Magic due to length issues…

(**Baker's Wife **and **Baker** have just given **Jack** the beans. Maybe They're Magic.)

**Baker**: Magic beans?

**Baker's Wife**: No one would have given him more for this creature!

**Baker**: Are we to dispel this curse through deceit?

**Baker's Wife**: _If you know what you want, then you go and you find it and you get it-_

**Baker**: Home.

**Baker's Wife**: Shush! Do we want a child or not? _And you give, and you take, and you bid and you bargain or you live to regret it._

**Baker**: Will you please go home!

**Baker's Wife**: No! Will you please _shut up_?! I'm trying to sing, and no matter what you say, remember who makes you your dinner every night!

**Baker**: I make the bread!

**Baker's Wife **(Counting them off on her fingers): And does your laundry, and cleans up after you, washes the dishes, makes the bed, does the shopping, grinds the flour, do you want me to go on? Because, you know, the list is a lot longer!

**Baker**: Okay, fine, so I need you, but…not here! This is the woods! It's dangerous! What if you were to be crushed by a giant, or something? Who would do the cooking and cleaning then?! I need you home! Besides, who's going to care for the garden if we're both gone?

**Baker's Wife**: What are you talking about? We don't have a garden!

**Baker**: Then where do all of those greens come from?

**Baker's Wife**: Umm….never you mind! That's my little secret! Ha!

**Baker**: …okay?

**Baker's Wife**: I'm coming, and that settles it! So, now, if you don't mind: _There are rights and wrongs and in-betweens, no one waits when fortune intervenes, and maybe they're really magic, who knows…_


	4. Witch's Rant

What if…the Witch got into a bit of a rant…

**Witch: **I don't know why you two are in such a tizzy about getting a child. They aren't all that their cracked up to be, you know! I mean, look at Rapunzel! I love her and all, but what's all this about 'wanting to see the world'? I don't know why she's so upset. Maybe I spoiled her. I always wanted a tower when I was a little girl! Now I go and get her the deluxe tower, complete with hair-hook and everything, and what does she do? She goes and runs off with a prince! For heaven's sake, the fool is afraid of dwarves! Or is that the other one…? Oh, who cares, the point is, the guy is a ninny! If he were here right now, oh, I'd knock him straight to kingdom come!

**Baker's Wife**: Well, not that this wasn't a lovely chat, but we really must be going! You know, places to go, people to see, all that jazz. Bye!

(**Baker's Wife **and **Baker** run away as fast as they can. **Witch** sits in a huff for several minutes.)

**Witch, grumbling**: Well, if she insists on getting married to that fool, they had better pay for my Medicare, at the very least! Otherwise I'll have to get that Baker to pay for it, and I barely know him…

(**Witch** hobbles away after **Baker** and **Baker's Wife**.)


End file.
